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Chapter 16: Hard Decisions
He closed his eyes trying to get away from his thoughts but it was no good. He felt the warmness spread through him and he knew she was near. He lifted his gaze to look into her eyes, they showed the same sadness he was feeling. “Hey”, she whispered with a soft voice. “Hey”, was his only response and he lowered his head in shame, memory of hitting her flashed through his mind. Buffy looked at him, feeling like she was pulled to all sides but finally she walked to the bed and sat next to him. Gently she took his hand into hers but he wouldn’t look at her. “Angel, it wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t you that did those things”, she said and stroked his hand with her fingers. “Because of me, Angelus was freed”, he said and turned to look at Buffy with misery written all over his eyes. “I was there too, remember. Who would have thought that after all these years it would still happen.” “Buffy, you are always going to be my perfect happiness”, he said and cupped her cheek with his large hand. “And that is why we can never be together”, he said with a low voice that was filled with pain. Buffy closed her eyes and a tear rolled down her cheek. “I know”, she whispered, the same pain showed in her voice. She opened her eyes and looked at him, memorizing every line on his face. “What he said to me... He was right”, she started and took short breathes, trying to keep herself from crying. “I do feel something for him, not just the hate. I hate him and I love him”, she continued and he looked away. She grabbed his chin and turned him to face her. “He isn’t you, he’s a soulless demon. But he still is a part of you, he can hurt me as badly as he can, but still I can’t kill him because he is in you. He can try to kill me but it doesn’t change it.” “Buffy. He wasn’t going to kill you this time. He was going to turn you, make you his forever”, Angel whispered and Buffy’s eyes widened in horror, being turned into a vampire was still one of her greatest fears. “Even back in Sunnydale, he loved you and that’s why he wanted to kill you. But now, he wanted to make you his, make you as bad as he is. The first time he wasn’t going to turn you because you would have been so much stronger than any other vampire, even him. But now he embraced it, he always had a thing for strong minded women”, he said and continued in his mind: ‘and breaking them’. “I love you, Angel. But I know now that we can’t be together because there is too many forces against us. I can’t handle bringing him back for the third time. And we don’t know what would happen, if he turned me, it would be worse than anything I can imagine”, she whispered and looked at him with teary eyes. “I know. I love you more than life itself and it kills me inside that we can’t be together”, he said and pulled her closer. She closed her eyes, pressing her face to the crook of his neck. “I’ll be in Sunnydale and you will stay here. But we’ll keep in touch, phones have been invented you know”, she said without lifting her head. Her tears were soaking his shirt. “I know, I was around then. This is not a goodbye.” He kissed the top of her head and let a tear fall from his eye.
Buffy and Angel went to the others, the feeling was very uncomfortable. “Hey Angel”, Willow said with a bright smile and Angel just nodded, saying a court 'Willow' back to her. “Can I hitch a ride with you, Willow?” Buffy asked feeling more depressed than ever before, even worse than when Angel left Sunnydale, then she didn’t know about the day that wasn’t because it hadn’t happened yet. Now it was even more hard to let him go. “Of course you can, Buffy”, Willow said feeling very excited, she could talk to her in private on the way back to Sunnydale. “Save some room in the backseat cause I’m going to tag along, Sabrina”, Faith said and Willow frowned. She didn’t like it but she nodded anyway. Cordelia crossed her arms and looked at Buffy with narrow eyes. “So you’re leaving?” she asked tapping her foot to the floor. “Yes. It’s for the best”, Buffy answered and shifted her gaze away. “Well, it’s not gonna do any good. You tried that, it didn’t work. I don’t want Angelus visiting again but he can be brought back other ways than just the big happy”, Cordelia said and sighed deep when neither of the lovers changed their minds. “Fine, be pigheaded. But if you won’t send me e-mail on regular basis, I will come after you! And it won’t be pretty”, she threatened and shook her finger in the air. “Of course I will”, Buffy promised and flashed a brief smile. She then turned to Wesley and shook his hand. “It was nice to see you again. You’ve grown up since Sunnydale.” “It was my pleasure”, he answered and a awkward silence fell to the room. Buffy and Angel looked at each other with longing and Cordelia took it as her cue. She grabbed Wesley and started to pull him out of the room. “Come on, I have something to ask you about filing”, she said dragging him out. Faith also grabbed Willows arm and said: “We’ll wait in the car.” After Willow and Faith had left the room, they looked at each other, with great longing. “This isn’t a goodbye”, Buffy whispered and walked to him. He nodded and took hold of her hand, threading his fingers with hers. A tear rolled down her cheek and he wiped it off with his finger. “I love you, Angel”, she whispered with a barely audible voice. “I love you too”, he said back and bent down into a gentle kiss. It was full of love, longing and bittersweet farewell.
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