BtVS Season 1 Quotes:


Witch (s1e3)

Giles: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. (everyone stares at him) Pardon me for finding the glass half full.

Xander: So maybe Amber's got this power to make herself be on fire. It's like the human torch, only it hurts.

Buffy: You guys don't have to get involved.
Xander: What d'ya mean? We're a team! Aren't we a team?
Willow: Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!
Buffy: I just don't like putting you guys in danger.
Xander: Oh, huh, I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

Buffy: Hey, any word on Amber?
Willow: Nothing thrilling. Average student. Got detention once, for smoking. Regular smoking... with a cigarette, not, like, being smoky.

Xander: That's why you're so cool! You're like a guy! You're my guy friend that knows about girl stuff!
Willow: Oh, great. I'm a guy.

Xander: Cordelia, you haven't been mean to me all day. Is it something I've done? (to Willow) Okay, see how she has no clue that I'm even a mammal, much less a human being?
Willow: I see that.
Xander: This is the invisible man syndrome. A blessing in Cordelia's case. A curse in Buffy's.
Willow: You're not invisible to Buffy.
Xander: It's worse! I'm just like a part of the scenery, like an old shoe. Or a rug that you walk on every day but don't even really see it.

Xander: Nah, I gotta be a man and ask her out. Y'know, I gotta stop giving her ID bracelets, uh, subtle innuendoes, taking Polaroids outside of her bedroom window late at night, that last part is a joke to relieve the tension because here she comes.

Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.
Giles: Why would someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?

Buffy: I just got kicked off the team, didn't I?
Xander: I don't think it was your fault.
Buffy: Hmm, I know you don't, that's 'cause you're my friend. You're my Xander-shaped friend! Do you have any idea why I love you so, Xander?
Willow: We gotta to get her to a...
Xander: Let her speak!
Buffy: I'll tell you! You're not like other boys at all.
Xander: Well...
Buffy: You are totally, and completely one of the girls! (to Willow) I'm that comfy with him.


 The Pack (s1e6)

Giles: Xander's teasing the less-fortunate?
Buffy: Uhuh...
Giles: And there's a noticeable change in clothing and demeanor?
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: All his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles?
Buffy: It's bad, isn't it?
Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a 16 year old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.
Buffy: Giles, I'm serious!
Giles: So am I. Except for the part about killing him. Testosterone is a great equalizer, it turns all men into morons. He will however get over it.
Buffy: I can not believe that you of all people are trying to Scully me.


I, Robot... You, Jane (s1e9)

Fritz: The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive.
Ms. Calendar: Thank you, Fritz, for making us all sound like crazy people.

Willow: Why does everything have to be about looks?
Buffy: Not everything, but some stuff is. I mean, what if you guys get really, really intense and then you find out that he... has... a hairy back?
Willow: Well, no! Uh, he doesn't talk like somebody who would have a hairy back.

Buffy: She certainly looks perky.
Xander: Yeah. Color in the cheeks, bounce in the step. I don't like it. It's not healthy.

Giles: Well, it's been so nice talking to you.
Ms. Calendar: We were fighting.
Giles: Must do it again sometime, yes... Bye now.

Willow: I'm sorry, guys. I'm just thinking about...
Buffy: Malcolm?
Willow: Malcolm... Moloch... Whatever he's called. The one boy that really liked me and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?
Buffy: Doesn't say anything about you.
Willow: I mean, I thought I was really falling.
Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots since I moved here, turned out to be a vampire.
Xander: Yeah, and the teacher I had a crush on. Giant praying mantis.
Willow: That's true.
Xander: That's life on the Hellmouth.
Buffy: Let's face it. None of us is ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander: We're doomed.
Willow: Yeah.
(Everybody laughs till the realization starts to sink in)


The Puppet Show (s1e9)

Buffy: The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment?
Giles: Our new Führer, Mr. Snyder.
Willow: I think they call them principals now.
Giles: Hmm. He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact but uh, he would have none of it.
Buffy: Giles, to every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated or at least, um, helped.
Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch.
Xander: And mock.
Willow: And laugh.

Giles: I'd like to think you're right. A demon is a creature of evil, pure and very simple. A person driven to kill is... is um, it's more complex.
Willow: The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone. It could be me! (everyone looks at her) It's not, though.

Cordelia: It's just such a tragedy for me. Emma was like, my best friend.
Xander: Emily.

Cordelia: All I can think is, it could've been me!
Xander: We can dream.

Xander: Okay, next time we split up someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we woulda had another organ donor.

Cordelia: Uhhh, what?
Giles: Oh! I'm sorry. Umm, your hair...
Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair? Oh God!
Giles (to himself): Xander was right. It worked like a charm.

Nightmares (s1e10)

Cordelia: Hello? Doofus! You're in my light.
Xander: Wendell, what is wrong with you? Don't you know that she is the center of the universe and the rest of us merely revolve around her?
Cordelia: Why don't you revolve yourselves out of my light?

Willow (about Cordelia): Why is she so Evita-like?
Buffy: I think it's the hair.
Willow: Weighs heavy on the cerebral cortex.

Willow: I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you, for crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ewww! How do they not ruffle you?
Xander: I'm sorry! I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face...

Xander: I'm not worried. If there's somethin' bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.

Xander: Our dreams are coming true.
Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this.

Cordelia: No! What are you doing! Hey, no! You don't understand! I don't wanna go! I'm not even on the chess team! I swear, I'm not!

The Master: So this is the Slayer. You're prettier than the last one.

Willow: Personal question.
Xander: Yeah, shoot.
Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still like attracted to her, were you?
Xander: Willow, how can you... I mean, that's really bent! She was... grotesque.
Willow: Still dug her, huh?
Xander: I'm sick. I need help.
Willow: Don't I know it.


Out of Mind, Out of Sight (s1e11)

Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing!

Harmony: Oh Mitch. How is he? Will he be okay?
Cordelia: Well, the doctor says he'll be fine. They're gonna send him home tomorrow. But... you should've seen him lying there. All black and blue? How's he gonna look in our Prom pictures? How am I ever gonna be able to show them to anyone?
Harmony: Well, they can do wonderful things with airbrushes these days.
Cordelia: You think?

Cordelia: Buffy, I know we've had our differences with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers. Ooh! Anyway, despite that, I know you share this feeling that we have for each other... Deep down.
Willow: Nausea?
Cordelia: Somebody is after me! They've just tried to kill Mrs. Miller, she was helping me with my homework. And Mitch, and Harmony! This is all about me! ME! ME! ME!
Xander: Wow, for once she's right.
Buffy: So you've come to ME for help?
Cordelia: Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong and you've got all those weapons. I was kinda hoping you were in a gang.

Giles: Vampire in love with the slayer. It's rather poetic... in a maudlin sort of way.


Prophecy Girl (s1e12)

Buffy: Xander, you're one of my best friends. You and Willow.
Xander: Well Willow's not looking to date you. Or if she is, she's playing it pretty close to the chest.

Jenny: The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little.

Buffy (after hitting Giles unconscious): When he wakes up, tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it.

Xander: How could you let her go?
Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not let her go.

Xander: How can I say this clearly? (pulls out a cross) I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.
Angel: You're in love with her.
Xander: Aren't you?

The Master: You're dead!
Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
The Master: You were destined to die! It was written!
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

The Master: Did you really think you could best me here when you couldn't below?
Buffy: You have fruit punch mouth.
The Master: What?
Buffy (after hitting him): And save the hypnosis crap for the tourists.

Buffy: We saved the world. I say we party.

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